Grape Ape

1. Don't drool.

2. Don't Faint

3. Don't cry.

4. Don't jump on them.

5. DO NOT BUTT RAPE THEM!

6. Don't throw flowers at them (stems could poke they're eyes out.).

7. Don't Mix up Fred & George.

8. Don't Scream.

9. If you get a hug don't squeez to hard.

10. Don't stalk them.

11. Do bring paper.

12. Don't talk so much that you bore them.

13. Don't ask them to turn your siblings into anything. (They're not really magical!)

14. Dont' stab them with your pen.

15. Don't pull out any hair. (They might sue.)

16. Don't tell them you are their long lost sibling. (They do have DNA tests in London.)

17. Don't bite them, the English don't like that.

18. Don't steal their clothes, they do need them.

19. Do not break into their trailers & rummage through their trash.

20. Do not ask them to tatoo their name on your body, might scare them.

21. Do not talk to Dan as if he is Harry.

22. Do not send Dan a sympathy card for almost dying.

23. Don't shank them.

24. Don't ask them to "eat you."

25. Do not shake so much that you pee your pants.

26. Do not ask them to sign your boobs/ member.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.  If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

3.  Look at your womanly physique in the mirror.  Make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

4.  Get in the shower.  Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.

5.  Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

6.  Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

7.  Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.

8.  Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

9.  Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.  Rinse conditioner off hair.

10.  Shave armpits and legs.

11.  Turn off shower.

12.  Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

13.  Spray mold spots with Tilex.

14.  Get out of Shower.

15.  Dry with towel the size of a small country.  Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

16.  Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.  If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

1.  Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

2.  Walk naked to the bathroom.

3.  If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound.

4.  Look at your manly physique in the mirror.  Admire the size of your weiner and scratch you ass.

5.  Get in the shower.

6.  Wash your face.

7.  Wash your armpits.

8.  Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

9.  Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

10.  Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

11.  Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

12.  Wash your hair.  Make a shampoo Mohawk.

13.  Pee.

14.  Rinse off and get out of shower.

15.  Partially dry off.

16.  Fail to notice water on floor becuase curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

17.  Admire wiener size in mirror again.

18.  Leave shower curtain open,  wet mat on floor, light, and fan on.

19.  Return to bedroom with towel around waist.  If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.

20.  Throw wet towel on bed.

If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something SO very wrong with you.  Have a great day!!!  Oh, and ...

WOO-WOO!!!!!!

Stuck In This God Forsaken House

I wanna get away.
Get away from the people called Mom & Dad.
All they do is yell.
All they do is scream.
Trying to take over my life.
Won't let me have the freedom I beg for.
The freedom I crave.

I'm afraid to love.
Afraid that I'll get hurt.
Afraid that I'll hurt someone again.
Can you blame me?
Been hurt mentally.
Physically I seem to be fine.

On the inside I hurt.
Try not to show it.
It seems like, no matter what I do, you can see it.

I wanna run away from my troubles. 
My feelings.
Keeping myself in a vice.

It's like a stab in the heart.

Driven Up theWall

You haunt my thoughts
You are my fears materialized
My heart forever breaking, thinking of you
I wonder why I still bother.

Everytime we talk there's something different in your voice
I'm always finding out new things about you
Everytime from different people.

You make me want to scream
I want to hurt myself
If I do, there will be noone to pick up my broken body.

A Blah Attempt at a Poem

you've angered me

you've loved me

but was it real?

or just pretend?

was it sympathy?

you saved me from myself

you were my knight

like a falling star

you brought my hopes crashing down

you were my everything

i wanted to tell you everything

but you stopped them from ever seeing the light of day

you're just a coward in disguise

you think you aren't like everyone else

but you really are

you believe in conformity

you'd rather support them

than secretly be against them

we don't want to be like you!

we don't want to be conformist clones like the rest of you!

so just leave me alone!

I Won't Forgive You

There are days when you seem to like me

and some when you don't

you liked me for who I was

i liked you for you

until you tried to get into my pants

i won't forgive you for that

we are still friends

i set you up with one of my friends

but you betrayed her

i won't forgive you for that

i used to trust you

what the hell happened?

you almost sold my friend's guitar

i won't forgive you for that either

you hate everything i am now

you say i've changed.

you've changed too.

The Rocker Crush

comforting to look at

comforting to talk to

but i don't know you

wish i did

try as i might

that'll never happen

you are one of my favorites

i'll never meet you personally

i can look at you from afar

but will never be able to touch

i dream of you always

they say that i'll never date a person like you

they dissapprove of how you look

why do they care?

they're not crushing on you!

tatoos

peircings

rocker hair

chains

things they stereotype as bad

you aren't

wish i could hear you in more than songs on a CD

just wishing you knew me

and were here with me

Untitled Poems

Always I walk in a dreamlike state

Evicting everything the outside world offers from me.

I don't want to believe the hardships of the present

Love always hides from view

Hate keeps coming back

Trust never stays.

-------------------------------------------------------

My memory of you was like a dream

You turned into my nightmare.

You didn't have the strength to hold back

You'll never have it.

You posses facist thoughts

Soon you won't remember them

They'll beat it out of you into a bloody pulp.

---------------------------------------------------

Crying wax tears on my pillow

Listening to your voice on the radio

All I can think of is you.

Their words are all lies to me

They mean nothing

Always wishing you were here.

You exsist in my brain as a figment of my imagination

You posses a bodily form never even close to me.

Everyone knows you

You'll never know me.

Wednesday
November 28, 2007  
12:45 AM
Grandma Helen's Kitchen

I'm currently stuck on this Fall Out Boy fan fiction, got myself stuck in a hard place and can't get myself out of it.  Fucking writer's block!

Well things have gone downhill lets say.
Moved out of the house on Courtland.  Lived there for 13 years.  Now I'm living in my Grandma's house, complete with insane Grandma Helen and a very old toy poodle named Rusty that pees everywhere. 
Gah.
I have no room of my own now.  Drives me nuts.  Forced to use my Dad's laptop most of the time.  Mostly watch movies on it cuz Grandma watches football most of the time.  I sleep on the couch.  Not the most comfy of places like you might think.  No it's not the type of couch you'd probably associate with your Grandparents house.  You know... The one covered in plastic so it won't get ruined.  No.  The couch here is all flowery, and the cushions come out from under you if you sit on it or even sleep on the damn thing.  They may be there when you go to sleep, but you wake up and there they are on the floor possibly under the coffee table or sometimes ontop of it.  You can also smell the dog piss on the stupid couch. 
Guh.
Been out of the old house since Halloween.  Almost a fucking month!  Who knows maybe by Christmas we will be in a new house. 
Ok.
I love Grandma Helen to death, but sometimes you just want to strangle the woman!

I haven't talked to most of my friends in weeks.  Been to buisy.  College.  Yeah.  You'd think I wouldn't be living with my parents by now.  I'm broke.  Been like that for a while.  I don't have a job.  Never had one.  I'm looking for one.  So dont start thinking I'm a lazy bum.

Stupid clocks...

Ok here's another odd thing about Grandma's house.  She has like five different clocks that go off at the hour.  Most of them are like anywhere from 5 to 15 minutes slow.  They go off at different times.  It's like being in a clock shop!!!  There's a particularly loud one above Grandma's couch, the one I sleep on.  I'll be drifting off to sleep and the next thing I know... Cuck-kooo!!!!!  Then it takes me another 10 minutes to back to sleep.
Who gave these clocks to Grandma?  Uncle Bill.  Thanks Uncle Bill.  He's also known as the family "Bee Man".

Ok onto my Parents.
Al and Terry Roessler.
Both are annoying and embarrassing as hell.  But still loveable and cool at times.
Thing I hate about them though... They are close-minded as hell.  This past summer for example.  I dyed my hair black and got orange hair extensions.  I didn't want to bleach my hair and dye it.  I'd end up ruining my hair.  I thought I was being smart about it.  I also thought since I'm 18 they can't do shit about me having orange hair.  Besides it comes out. 
Boy I was wrong. 
Apparently as long as I live under their roof I am not allowed to have "Extreme" colored hair.  You know... Pink, Green, Blue, Purple... let the color list go on...
They didn't care about the black part of it, but the orange had to come out.  I told them it was extensions and it can come out.  They told me to do straight away.  I couldn't.  They were glued in.  Told them that and they didn't talk to me for a day.  Just told me to keep my hair under a hat.  They never wanted to see it. 
Mom said that "Extreme" color hair would lead onto me getting peircings and tattoos.  Blah blah blah...
Little do they know I always wanted to get that stuff as well.

Hold on... Gotta take care of laundry.

Laundry Break!!!!  Cue theme music!!!!

Well hey I'm back!!! Did you miss me?  Sure you did...

Man I could rant about stuff all night... Seriously.  I've got all this resentment about junk bottled up so tightly I could explode.  Hell I've got stuff about my childhood.  I still hate. 
Shall I continue on with that?

Flip back to elementry school.
St. Jude Elementry School.
Don't let em' fool ya.
Ha.  Catholic school?  Yes.
Filled to the brim with Nazi teachers.  Save for the few that were actually pretty cool.
School of Uniforms.
You don't have any say what you can wear.  No individuality. 
Catholicism shoved down your throat.
Church every Friday and then Sunday if you went with your parents.

Yes.  I do have issues.  Can I continue?  Thanks.

Sure you had some nice kids that went to school with you then you had your bullies. 
Me.  I was the halfwit nerd.  Yeah I had glasses.  But I was not smart.  No.  I was still picked on.  Mostly cuz of my glasses.  I was somewhat skinny with brown hair and was nerdy.
Puberty hit and I started getting fat.  Guh.  Still had glasses, still had brown hair, got nerdier, still had bad grades.  Got called an elephant a few times in gym class by a kid that was not much better. 

His name?  Scott Givens and his sister, I don't remember her name...  Both were total assholes and well let's just say from what I hear he's still an asshole and his sister just went into total bitch mode. 

Then there was Alex Plas, again total asshole, still is.  His younger brother, Stephen I think, however, was actually a nice kid.

Continuing on...

Paul Pfingston... I think that's how you spell his last name... He went from being an asshole to nice guy back to asshole.

Greg Hanson.  Nice guy, then total asshole, then back to nice guy again. 

So yeah, if you were the assholes on the list and you happen to read this.  Yes I still have issues to sort out with you.  Don't be afraid to approach if you have questions.  I promise I won't bite.  Maybe throw a few punches... but hey.

Well folks that's all for tonight.  Or by the looks of it... That's all for this morning.  Haha.

11:23 PM
Grandma's Kitchen

Well guys I'm back for more ranting.

Listening to Fall Out Boy.  Very soothing.  Patrick, if you happen to be reading this, I would like to let you know that you're my role model.  Haha that's just one of many things I would want you to know.  Some of them are way to embarrassing for me to say. 

Ok guys stop thinking dirty thoughts over there!!!

Alright lets start tonight's ranting with shall we say High School?
Or no?

Nah.

Guys?

Yeah.  Sounds good.

Key factor here...  Most of the guys I've met are pretty cool, then they turn on ya.  Say they like you one week and the next you're shoved aside for some dumb blonde bitch that don't know shit about anything!    

Alright I just finished my fourth day of college and I find myself cracking up and falling asleep during class...

First off... I was walking to my algebra class when this guy stops me, he had a pen and a notebook in his hand.  "Excuse me.  I need twenty-five names and phone numbers for my Journalism class.  Care to add to the list?"  I look at him.  Then look at my friend Linda, and then look back at him again.  I giggle and just turned around and walked the other way.  What a joke...  I should've just gave him a fake number...  That would have been fun.

Secondly... Why is it that when I get home from classes and do my homework I'm super exhausted?  I end up going to sleep early and when I wake up the next morning... I'm still sleepy!!!  And I end up falling asleep during my classes!!!  I have to pinch myself to wake up.

straight out of the high school i graduated from...  written by my friend chris runkle...

So lets see... i read up today about some of the stuff they put in out packets for school.... theres a paper that says that cussing and explicite language will not be tollerated... so if all those words are in there... why are "honkie" of "cracker" exempt from the list... would someone like to explain that to me? It says any offensive language... and yes it does say any words that arent present in the list... but those are two widly used words there my friends... i find them to be offensive... so does that meen i can just walk up to my friends and be like... "Yo, wuddup cracka?" im pretty sure its not gonna work that way... i do think that this policy that they are now enfourcing is a good idea... just a little more information and i wish they coulda been a little more specific... you know what i meen?

Well theres not much we can do about it... shit happens... and whatcha gonna do when it does....

~RUNK~

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ok the college bookstore line... fucking long as hell... especially the first week of classes... you wait like 30 minutes in line just to get to the register... gahh!!!! i'm sick of it! and i was in there three times today! so i waisted about and hour and a half of my life.

So I'm starting college today and I gotta leave in about 45 minutes...

I'm always freaking out about starting something new and the college experiance is definately something new for me... I'm a freshman all over again... Whoopdiedoo!  Just what I need...

I feel like I wanna go back to bed and sleep somemore... If I do, I'll never wake up in time for class which would not be good... egads...

But a person has to start it somehow...

My dad took my last package of ramen... I'm gonna kill him and sell his organs on the black market and then get tons of money to buy more ramen and then buy a safe to put the ramen in so nobody can steal it... lol.  just kidding of course...