February 17, 2008How To Clean Your Toilet - By a Dog
Instructions on how to clean your toilet
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl. 2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid. 4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. 5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse". 6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door. 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. 8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off. 9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Posted on 02/17/2008 10:19 PM Comments (0)
Dos and Don'ts When Meeting Harry Potter Stars1. Don't drool. 2. Don't Faint 3. Don't cry. 4. Don't jump on them. 5. DO NOT BUTT RAPE THEM! 6. Don't throw flowers at them (stems could poke they're eyes out.). 7. Don't Mix up Fred & George. 8. Don't Scream. 9. If you get a hug don't squeez to hard. 10. Don't stalk them. 11. Do bring paper. 12. Don't talk so much that you bore them. 13. Don't ask them to turn your siblings into anything. (They're not really magical!) 14. Dont' stab them with your pen. 15. Don't pull out any hair. (They might sue.) 16. Don't tell them you are their long lost sibling. (They do have DNA tests in London.) 17. Don't bite them, the English don't like that. 18. Don't steal their clothes, they do need them. 19. Do not break into their trailers & rummage through their trash. 20. Do not ask them to tatoo their name on your body, might scare them. 21. Do not talk to Dan as if he is Harry. 22. Do not send Dan a sympathy card for almost dying. 23. Don't shank them. 24. Don't ask them to "eat you." 25. Do not shake so much that you pee your pants. 26. Do not ask them to sign your boobs/ member.
Posted on 02/17/2008 10:17 PM Comments (0)
The Rules Of ShoweringHOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN: 1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. 2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. 3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror. Make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. 4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone. 5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. 6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. 7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. 8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. 9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. 10. Shave armpits and legs. 11. Turn off shower. 12. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. 13. Spray mold spots with Tilex. 14. Get out of Shower. 15. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. 16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN: 1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. 2. Walk naked to the bathroom. 3. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound. 4. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your weiner and scratch you ass. 5. Get in the shower. 6. Wash your face. 7. Wash your armpits. 8. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. 9. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. 10. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. 11. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap. 12. Wash your hair. Make a shampoo Mohawk. 13. Pee. 14. Rinse off and get out of shower. 15. Partially dry off. 16. Fail to notice water on floor becuase curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time. 17. Admire wiener size in mirror again. 18. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light, and fan on. 19. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again. 20. Throw wet towel on bed.
If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something SO very wrong with you. Have a great day!!! Oh, and ... WOO-WOO!!!!!!
Posted on 02/17/2008 10:17 PM Comments (0)
Old People Rock
Wal-Mart APPLICATION
This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas .. They hired him because he was so funny..... NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old Bastard) SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate) DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD : Target for middle management hostility. PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment . MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT Y OU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what? DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be 'Do you have a car that runs?' HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me. DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes! WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. NEAREST RELATIVE ....7 miles DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.
Posted on 02/17/2008 10:14 PM Comments (0)
what in the world??? a reposting of my poems or more like an official buzznet posting.Stuck In This God Forsaken House I wanna get away. Driven Up theWall You haunt my thoughts You make me want to scream A Blah Attempt at a Poem you've angered me you've loved me but was it real? or just pretend? was it sympathy? you saved me from myself you were my knight like a falling star you brought my hopes crashing down you were my everything i wanted to tell you everything but you stopped them from ever seeing the light of day you're just a coward in disguise you think you aren't like everyone else but you really are you believe in conformity you'd rather support them than secretly be against them we don't want to be like you! we don't want to be conformist clones like the rest of you! so just leave me alone! I Won't Forgive You There are days when you seem to like me and some when you don't you liked me for who I was i liked you for you until you tried to get into my pants i won't forgive you for that we are still friends i set you up with one of my friends but you betrayed her i won't forgive you for that i used to trust you what the hell happened? you almost sold my friend's guitar i won't forgive you for that either you hate everything i am now you say i've changed. you've changed too. The Rocker Crush comforting to look at comforting to talk to but i don't know you wish i did try as i might that'll never happen you are one of my favorites i'll never meet you personally i can look at you from afar but will never be able to touch i dream of you always they say that i'll never date a person like you they dissapprove of how you look why do they care? they're not crushing on you! tatoos peircings rocker hair chains things they stereotype as bad you aren't wish i could hear you in more than songs on a CD just wishing you knew me and were here with me Untitled Poems Always I walk in a dreamlike state Evicting everything the outside world offers from me. I don't want to believe the hardships of the present Love always hides from view Hate keeps coming back Trust never stays. ------------------------------------------------------- My memory of you was like a dream You turned into my nightmare. You didn't have the strength to hold back You'll never have it. You posses facist thoughts Soon you won't remember them They'll beat it out of you into a bloody pulp. --------------------------------------------------- Crying wax tears on my pillow Listening to your voice on the radio All I can think of is you. Their words are all lies to me They mean nothing Always wishing you were here. You exsist in my brain as a figment of my imagination You posses a bodily form never even close to me. Everyone knows you You'll never know me.
Posted on 02/17/2008 9:43 PM Comments (1)
|
ARCHIVE
MY FRIENDS
lmkcrazy
criminalmastermind bandgeekfreak87 theoneandonlyjoetrohman djrossstar petewentz audrey jeffreestar raquelreed hannabeth aliciasimmons iammattgood FOLLOWERS ALL FRIENDS |
Buzz Feed